My Father

Father's day has come and gone. Thank goodness. There are people that suffer a loss of a father, in some way; But I was unlucky enough to have my father in my life... I was told from the time I was about 5 that my parents might die at any time as they were decidedly older when I was born. My father blessed me at that moment with an obsessive compulsion - fear of abandonment. Never showing for any school programs, never meeting any of my teachers, never holding me and comforting me if I got hurt, (he would always scream and yell at me if I did get injured), he always criticized EVERYTHING I did. I couldn't have the banana seat bike that I adored that was similar to my friends' upon which I learned how to ride. He told me I was going to have an adult size bike. Of course, when I first rode it, I fell and skinned my knee. Tore the flesh right off the top of my right knee and shredded my pants, blood gushing everywhere. Instead of racing over to help me, he instead started ranting-yelling and screaming abuse at me, picking up the bike and leaving me on the ground crying... When I was 10 years old, I was watering a tree that he ordered me to water. He came out yelling and scolding me that I was doing it "wrong" as I had concentrated the stream of water from the hose on the trunk at the base of the tree. He said I had to water the roots. So I directed the spray instead to the ground. Well, DUH. Don't tree roots start at the trunk of the tree? Constantly telling us as a family that we would go XXX place, or do XXX thing. But always breaking his word. Why did he ever tell us we were going to Hawaii if he had no intention of doing it? Why not wait to tell us after he bought tickets? Why tell us he was going to buy a pool table? For about 1 year we visited every store within the metro area, shopping for pool tables, only to NOT ever purchase one. Too many to describe are the times that he would say something rude, invasive or nasty. Asking questions that were totally personal and none of his business..."How much do you pay for electric every month?" "What do you get paid?" Obsessed about money. He adores starting arguments. I would sit back when my older brother came to visit and watch him do it, just to be hurtful. This is the kind of human being that probably tortured poor dogs at the end of a leash. When I graduated high school, I was TOLD I had to be a secretary like my sister....aka "The Devil". My sister is almost as big a bitch as the devil. God. Her own husband even refused to have sex with her. But I will rant on a blog about her at some later date. All through my marriage, he just walked into every home I own, like it was his own. Never taking the courtesy of once calling before they come to see if it is acceptable to visit. The last straw that broke this camel's back was when he attempted to tell me (again) what to do in relation to something that was private with my daughter. It was none of his business. He attempted for 44 years to dominate and control my life. Until I stood up to him and told him NO MORE. He could not tell me what to do after age 18. I refuse to talk to him now, and albeit, my mother also. Even though she has done nothing wrong, other than not to divorce a poisonous man like that. Immediately tossing into the garbage any letter I receive from him. I will also not write to my mother as she passes on anything to him. So I am cut off from her, too. She has let him dominate her for 70 years and you can tell that her health reflects her emotional pain. He is already an old man that has no friends. And he will probably live until he is 100 as his mother did before him. With no relatives that come to see him, no friends who visit. Just lying in a bed. Scared of death. He will get what he deserves. What brought these thoughts to the fore? I was watering my pine tree beside the house, right next to the deck. By directing the spray on the trunk. The tree that is 10 times healthier than any other on our property...the one that has grown 5 times faster than the others.